[originally posted to Patreon on 25/12/25]

RANSCRIPT:

S:  Ho, ho, ho is what I say when I point at you, Frankie.

F:  How did I know that's how this was going to begin? Happy holidays as the the liberals of the People's Republic of gay drugophornia, would say, or Merry Christmas. As the real Americans say.

S: Real Christians. Real Christians. Well, I'm neither, so...

F: Yeah, yeah, that's true. I was going to say, we're both quite well, you know, equipped to talk about Christmas, aren't we? I love Christmas. I love it.

S: Well, we're Soviet. We just do what people do for Christmas, but on New Year's, because we don't believe in Christ because Stalin is the only...

F:Stalin is the only savior.

S:In a red uniform. 

F: That's the only one we fucking.'s the only fat man and a red outfit that I'm interested in.

S: And if you're fucking naughty, he will take you to the cellars of the Bianca and shoot you.

F: I was going to say, the about a little bit worse than like, some coal in your sock.

S: Yeah, yeah.

F: Atrocities.

S: But Merry Christmas, you know? It's really funny in Lebanon that like, you know, like Shias who are like the Hisbollah faction are the ones who love Christmas the most.

F:Well, you know, they they're not opposed to joy, I suppose.

S: Halal Christmas, you know.

F: Halal Christmas.

S: That's how we do it.

F: You know what? To be fair, I think there's a little bit of a crossover with like Italian Catholics because we also are halal on Christmas Eve.

S: Oh. Nice.

F: We don't eat. Actually, I don't know if that's true.We just don't eat meat on Christmas Eve.

Big tradish. No, meat, Christmas Eve. You eat. Some people do Feast of the 7 F Fishes. Some people like just eat like my family we Dungeness Crab, which was awesome .

A, good way to celebrate with crabs.

S: I don't like fish generally, so 

F: Have you ever had crab?

S: It's like sweet.

F: Yeah, it's delicious with butter and like garlic and herbs and you just like crack it open and suck it out so good.

S: Yeah, it's. Poor Scott, man.

F: Crack it open and suck it out.

S: Suck it out. So what are we talking about today Frankie

F: Today we're doing very special winter holiday Monsters episode where we talk about the only. Only Western winter holiday monster. Krampus..

S: Der Krampus. Oh, Das ist sehr schön.

F: We keep doing this German accent, but he's like very specifically an Alpine , like, myth, isn't he Austrians?

S: Yeah. Austrian Slovaks kind of..

F: Yeah, the Swiss, Northern Italians.

S: Southern Germany. Yeah, I don't know what their accent is like in fucking..

F: But we're going to do Germ. That's just what we've decided..

S: Naturlich Ja. Yeah, but it it's a fucking weird one. Also, he's like directly associated with Santa.

F: Yeah, he's evil Santa. Yeah. It's like Christ and the devil. You know what I mean?

S: I get it. The two sides of a coin. Yeah. So basically. Krampus is a fucking creature that's like hoofed and horned. He's got a big long tongue. Carries a basket and a w whip.

Yeah. And chains that he rattles doesn't use them to hit you or bind you or anything.

F: Just chains for rattling.

S: Just rattling them. He's just a rattler.

F: You know what? at work the other day, made a Krampus broom where I had a bunch of birch twigs and I just bound him together in like a little hand broom because he would just use birch twigs to whip naughty children. Beat them.

S: Well, apparently, you know, there's a Krampus run, you know, Krampus Laf is what it's called.

F: Krampus Laf.

S: And then since the 70s, they've banned using like cowhide and oxtail whips, you know, that would actually fuck hurt a lot and now they just kind of, but they do still hit random kids, you know? You see them in the Krampus run and they see a kid on the side of the street and they whip them with with that birch thing.

F: Good.

S: Don't ask if he's good or bad or nice or naughty or..

F: That's life, kid.

S: Just you get hit by the Krampus, right?

F: You just get hit by the Krampus. Wrong place, wrong time.

S: It's, yeah, I don't know. It's like, apparently it's the first mention of it is like 16th century. So it might just be this kind of like. Puritan turn, you know? Yeah.I dont have the patience to actually fucking teach my kids anything, so I'll just scare the shit out of them.

F: Feels very Protestant, honestly.

S: Yeah, well, yeah, but Saint Nick is quite Catholic. So it's basically not, it's only associated with Christmas in the past hundred years.

F: Yeah, yeah.

S: It used to be on like St. Nick's Day, which is like the midnight of the fifth of December.

F: Yeah.

S: Yeah. Fucking weird ass ass creature running around, looking like the devil. I like Hitting your kids.

F: I like that he's got a basket. You know, because it is so much of the iconography of Santa is like , just a reverse form in Krampus in a way that, like, all the things that I don't like about Santa, I like in Krampus.

Like, you know, Santa's got a bag full of gifts that he carries around. Fuck off, Santa . Krampus has got a basket that he puts bad children into. Big fan of that. I think that's good.

S: He's even like. Thought it through, you know? He doesn't he doesn't come there and fumble with these kids under his armpit or something like that. He has a container for him.

F: Yeah, a receptacle for children. But a basket as well, you know, it's handcrafted. I like to imagine he made it himself .

S: Uh-huh He sits there and he goes, I'm going to get that fucking Timmy, man.

F: Yeah, yeah. And he weaves his back yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

S: Do you think they have like Krampus, you know, like like kind of gathering cages?

You know, you get a couple of kids in your thing, you go back in the forest, 

F: you deposit them. Yeah, like a bank.

S: Because then if not, like you only you can only grab two kids or is it an infinite basket?

F: No, I think it's a basket of infinite holding. Just like Santa's bag is a bag of infinite gift. 

S: It just is the reverse. Keep forgetting the parallelism. 

F: Don't forget. Santa's got this like really overt , you know, garish winter outfit. Pus either wear nothing or sometimes just the modest leiderhosen.

S: Right. That's it. You know. That would be funny, you know, really. This creature in fucking Lederhosen.

That's great.

F: I've seen some, like, vintage, you know, illustrations of him , just in some, like, Lederhosen. And you're like, I like that Santa. He's gonna have a big fuck off sleigh. A bunch of fucking reindeer. Krampus just Skis.

S: Wow, all right. He’s even like a skier.

F: Yeah, physical exercise. Santa, not doing any physical exertion.

S: That's why has a big big ass fucking belly.

F: Exactly. Get out there and ski.

S: Learn from the Krampus, bitch.

F: Cross-country skiing. You know? That shit's hard. It's just difficult.

S: Fucking Krampus going with kids on your back?

F: Right?

S: That guy deserves, like, more credit.

F: He's hench. Santa an asexual being. Krampus, very sexy. Have you seen that tongue?

And he's hench.

S: He's such a long tongue. Yeah, but but also, like there's Mrs. Claus. So what do they just like hold hands and stuff?

F: Yeah. You think there's any sex going on in that marriage? Please.

S: You're right. They don't have kids, actually. That's right.

F: Yeah, yeah.

S: You think she's his beard? You think Mrs. Claus is just a beard and he like fucks around with the elves?

F: Well, apparently Mrs. Claus is only like 200 years old, and Santa is like 800 years old. So there's a really like problematic age difference there as well.

S: Right. 600 years.That's a lot.

F: That's a lot.

S: So, like, I guess like a couple of hundred years ago, there were like this this old weird old man who lives with elves and they're like, what are those elves putting up his butt, you know? And then they go like, no, no, he has a Mrs. Claus.

F: No, no, he's got a woman. Don't worry. Whereas Krampus sexually free. You know what I mean?

S: Right. He can do whatever he wants. Fucks whoever he wants, does whatever he wants, uses his tongue in multiple different ways.

F: Exactly. Exactly.

S: Fucking He's Krampusing it out, you know?

F: Yeah. I just think Krampus is somebody to revere in this time of year. He also, like, you know, he's furry, he's hairy. He's, like, prepared. It seems like he's somebody who is indigenous to an alpine environment, whereas Santa, you're like, that's just a white guy in a big coat , you know?

S: That's true. That's true. Krampus doesn't even need a big coat. But also, you know, on the sexual nature of Krampus, apparently getting whipped by him increases your fertility.

F: Boom! He's actually doing something for the benefit of humanity. Santa doesn't do anything.

S: And some people like to get whipped, you know? It's not..s not up to us to judge to say, you know, just you get whipped, you fucking, your fertility goes up..

F: I think we could all agree that Krampus is probably a do do.

S: You You should have gotten whipped more in your childhood, Frankie. Maybe you would have been the first time.

F: It wouldn't have mattered.

S: Barren witch.

F: Wouldn't have mattered. Krampus could have whipped me all he wanted to.

It was, yeah.

S: But you know. Destined to be barren.

F: I would rather be Mrs. Krampus than Mrs. Claus. You know what I mean?

S: Word. You won't be Mrs. Krampus. You'll have a situationship.

F: 100%. It'll be an open kind of situation. Poly, you know.

S: He's Krumpus. He needs to do his thing.

F: And I would not restrain him. You can't restrain Krampus. You got to let him do it..

You got to let him do his thing.

S: You know who else liked Krampus?

F: Huh.

S: The Nazis.

F: Oh, no! I didn't think this episode was going to go the Nazis! No! It always comes to Nazis, but So they liked him? What did they like about him?

S: I mean? He was like the Indigenous pagan folklore that the church was trying to repress.

And yeah, because they were all about the cult and going back to you know their their pagan rules, their pagan roots and stuff like that.

F: So Nazis like him.

S: That's why he kind of fell out of grace in, you know, modern modern times times until America was like, I can make this something weird. I can make B movies out of this.

F: Exactly. Brought them back. But you know what? I don't think that that's Krampus's fault. So many wonderful things in this world have been co-opted by the far right, you know, and That's true, it's not their fault. Krampus is not., you know, inherently a Nazi symbol. The Nazis were just fucked up, man.

S: You tell them. You tell them, Frankie, You tell them our opinions about Nazis.

F: Fuck Nazis.

S: Fuck Nazis, yeah. Also, it's kind of like makes it easier to imagine where the like heavy metal aesthetic came from.

F: Oh, in Germany?

S: Generally, everywhere. Because I think that's kind of like a northern European. And like they used to dress up like that 400 years ago. Maybe even 500 and then , yeah, it just like heavy metal is just a continuation of that.

F: Yeah, definitely.

S: Yeah. Big ass creatures with weird ass masks and horns and shit.

F: I mean, it kind of all falls into that realm of like when when you start looking into the pagan roots of various cultures in Europe, there's obviously a lot about like, goddesses and femininity, but there there's a lot about the balance between femininity and masculinity.

And when you look at the masculine deities, you start to see things like Krampus or the horned god or Chernunos or these sort of like.

S: What the fuck is Chernunos?

F: It's very related to the horned god, but it's this like, pagan , Celtic Gaulish deity, and he was just like that. The very, the very, like, idea of the natural masculinity. He had these big, huge horns and was like, very connected to the stag and the spirit of the forest. And we don't actually know a huge amount about Cunos because he was a Gaulish deed and the Gauls and the Celts, all the information we have about them comes from the Romans who were racist. So they were didn't write down very much like, you know, helpful information. They were just like, man, those blondies are fucking crazy. And you're like, right, but what did they believe? Who cares? You're like, yeah, thanks, Romans.

S: Well, you know, Krampus also paints its face black. But I don't think it's like a, you know, Like a racing?

Like a Netherlands black Pete Yeah, yeah.

F: That's pretty fucked up.

S: Yeah, that's, but he's just heavy metal.

F: Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely.

S: paints his face in a heavy metal way.

F: Yeah, it's not like, I think we could all agree that the Netherlands are fucked up. They need to sort their shit out. Come on, you guys.

S: Also, their fucking language is fake can be just trying to convince all of us that that's a language.

F: I mean, like, I, my grandmother's maiden name was Vancouvering very definitely, very definitely.

Dutch. And I am willing to admit that, like, it's a made up, it's a made up thing. Come on.

S: Who says Khudhen Morkhen. Come on.

F: Come on. No. Sorry.

That's just not a thing.

S: Not a thing. Just stop it, Dutchies.

F: So, while I was looking in the Krampus, I actually found that there is another like Christmasm time monster, but this one comes from Scandinavia, and I can't pronounce it, so don't ask me to.

Scandinavian languages are hard. But it's a giant black cat that eats bad children.

And it just, like, lives out there in, like, the glaciers and shit and then just like.. And the tundra. And then just comes in and eats bad children. And I was like, I'm a big fan of that as well.

S: I just wonder, like, what kind of surveillance state these fucking creatures have, you know?

How do they know it's good and bad? Do they just get, like a vibe? Do they just get like a bad vibe and then just eat a kid?

F: Haven't you met kids where like, you know, by like six or seven years years old, you're like, yeah, there's a dark vibe to this kid and some sort of, you know, folkloric creature should be eating them or at least putting them in a basket .

S: Hmm. I agree. Also, like, you know, Coco-Cola fucking lost out on just doing, like, Santa themed things, you know?

F: Right.

S: What would be the Krampus drink? Like, coke is more of a Krampus drink than a Santa drink, you know, it's dark and fizzy and .

F: Inherently like a bit sinister because it's slightly addictive. You know what? Maybe Diet Coke, because it's, like, Diet Coke is actually, like, really bad for you. It's got all that weird shit in it, and it's super, super addictive. Maybe Diet Coke is, like, Krampus , Krampus's drink. And then, like..

S: I'm just saying they fucking, you know, they lost out on that opportunity.

F: If Pepsi was smart, they would take Krampus as their as their.

S: That's right.

F: You know what I mean? Like, if you're going to have a big competitor. But the myth of competing brands is just that. It's a myth in postcapitalism. It doesn't exist anymore. There is one brand that you're buying. It's just got different labels. To make you feel like there's options, there isn't.

S: You fucking tell him, Frankie.

F: Well, I'm bringing it always, bringing it back to Capitals in this time of year. Right, the Krampus portion of the show is over. Now it's Frankie gets to tell everybody why Christmas sucks. Christmas is the worst holiday . I hate it. It's founded on the ideals of nothing, stolen religion, bastardized folklore practices, capitalism, and consumerism. It's a dumb holiday. I get you want something to make you feel good , you know, midwinter. Winters just started. Like, January and February are.

S: Also, do do some drugs, man.

F: Do do some drugs. Drugs.

S: Being like the rest of us. Fucking get addicted to opiates for a month and then the winter's over.

F: Yeah fucking, come on. Also, New Year's. You've got New Year's like less than a week later.

We don't need Christmas. You could still do all these things.

S: You're on the Soviet side. Just do it on New Year's.

F: Oh, no! And this is how Sovietism gets you. .

S: And, you know, talking about like age differences is like Ded Moroz, who's a Russian Russian Santa, is in blue and he's a skinny dude, old guy. And then there's like like a Snigurka, which is , I guess, Mrs. Claus or like his granddaughter or something like that. There's just like a 

F: Those are two very different things.

S: I know, but they're always ambiguous about it. It's just like she's the she's the young lady with Santa.

That's who she is. And no one knows why she's there. No one knows what's up..

F: Nice.

S: Yeah. So, you know, what did St. Nicholas used to get children?

F: I don't know.

S: Fruit and nuts.

F: I mean, you know what? Very hearty. They'll keep you going . It's midwinter, you know. Protein.

S: Yeah, yeah. You need some things to eat midwinter when you just sit at home with your family because you're in Northern Europe and there's nowhere to fucking go. And you sit indoors with your family for five months.

F: Wow.

S: We need some fruit and nuts, man.

F: We're spending four days with family this year, and I'm like, this is way too much. Could we cut this down, honestly, to two days?

S: Honestly, why the fuck did people ever like, get to Northern Europe and go, let's live here? You know what? This feels okay. Let's live in this frozen marshland. Yeah, yeah where it's like unlivable for half the year. No, no, forget that. Forget that miditerranean down south where people just live all year long.

F: Drinked wine, human beings.

S: No, no, we don't want any of that. We want to fucking...

F: We want to live somewhere that's brutally cold , no sunshine, and wine does not grow here.

We love that. Love that.

S: We'll make chewy beer from fucking grains or something like that.

F: Or. Heather beer is a big thing. So I read this book called Before Scotland, and it's about, like the prehistory of the area that will become Scotland. And it starts off being like, yeah, there was people and then there was a mini ice age and then, you know, you get people moving back as the like glacaciers recede. And I was like, I would never want to be the person waving for the glaciers to recede to move further north. Fuck that, dude. No way. 

S: Yeah. It's like, how bad is South? You know, like, how much do you hate the Brits? Well that you're like oh my fucking God, please. The glaciers are receding let's leave these fucking Brits, please.

F: Right? There wasn't even anything like, you know, it was still thousands of years before you were going to get something even related to the word England, but they could just tell. It was like, I don't know. People that live on this half of the island just suck. I don't get it.

S: It's the only explanation, I think.

F: We have to get out of here.

S: Yeah, yeah. And, you know, putting it in that context, I understand.

F: Yeah, then I suddenly, I get it.

S: I'm like, yeah, man.

Makes sense.

F: Yeah. Anyways, back to Christmas sucking. I mean, in America, Christmas is the worst. It starts, like, November 1st, and it lasts forever. It's so in your face and on, like, you know, it's Christmas on cocaine. But the worst thing is that it's spread . It's spread across the world. Like even other places, you know, in Italy. It wasn't, you know, it's not a whole two-month kind of vibe. It was like, oh, yeah, we get a couple days off Christmas. They also do like, you know, you get gifts on Christmas and then you get gifts on the 5th of January . You just kind of chill. We're having a cozy time. And now it's like in the past 10, 20 years, it's like, American Christmas .

S: Well, also, fifth of January kind of surprises me because that's the Orthodox Christmas.

F: It's something to do with Catholicism.

S: Italy so Catholic.

F: Yeah, there's some saints day, because, you know, any sort of Christianity, all roots, any of the Judeo Christian, they all root from the same fucking thing. So I think there's something to do with some saint. I can't remember . My Italian teachers tell me about it.

S: In Orthodoxy, it's when Christ was born.

F: Yeah, I think that's it. It's the day that he actually. Something like that. Yeah, where they were like, you know, in the Bible or whatever the fuck. I'm like, he was born , I think actually he was born like like in the summertime and nobody wants to talk about it.

S: Yeah, spring, right?

F: Is Which like, would make more sense, but they were like, no, no, we have to take over these pagan beliefs. We're moving it to the other half of the year. Why ? Why do that?

S: Yeah. It's always these like fucking midwinter things are always, you know 

F: Rebirth

S:  a North Europe thing. We're kind of like, oh, midwinter? Oh, it's 20 degrees and you can go swim.

Yeah, literally.

F: It's fine. It's not that sad for us.

S: Well, it is sad for us now because we do live in northern Europe, so.

F: Why do we do this to ourselves? 

S: Honestly, I don't know.

F: Maybe, you know, one day we'll move back to our natural environment.

S: Well, you're natural environment.

F: California. That's warm?

S: I don't know what I wanted to say. I wanted to say the bog or something

F: Yeah. What were you going to say, you stupid little bitch or something Well, you get bogs, you know, plenty of. I'm sure there are. It probably is. I don't know. We got out everything .

S: Bog witches.

F: Bog witch. Yeah, no Christmas in the bog. That's for fucking sure.

S: Well, yeah. So, you know, when that happy note. Happy Christmas, everyone.

F: Merry Christmas .

S: Enjoy your holidays.

F: Holidays, whateverever winter holiday it is. Unless you live in New Zealand and Australia, then go fuck yourself because it's summertime.

S: And if Krampus comes over, you know, maybe. You get a good licking. Get a good licking.

F: I wish for everybody in the world that Crampus gives them a good licking, whether that's like a licking or licking in the sense of getting beat to shit with birch twigs.

S: Yeah, you know? And then your fertility increases, so...

F: Oh, no, I don't want that. Because the people I was thinking of getting beat with birch twigs were like, you know, an unnamed country in the Middle East that is maybe propped up by another larger country and is committing genocide.

S: Yeah, we don't don't.

F: We don't want increased fertility. Increase fertility. Thank you. Increase fertility.

S: But also, even if you increase fertility, they just want to fuck kids, so. There's not going to be any children made.

F:  that's not helpful. And on that pleasant note..

S: Goodbye, Merry Christmas.

F: Gutten Nacht.