Episode 6: Water-Dwellers

[originally posted to Patreon on 15/10/25]

TRANSCRIPT:

F: Welcome back once again dear friend we definitely aren't recording two podcasts back to back and it's definitely been two weeks since i've seen you golly you look incredible

S: Hey Frankie did you get a haircut or something? What's happened in these two weeks 

F: uh so so much that we don't have time to talk about it moving on what are we talking about this week we're continuing our monsters theme i hope 

S: Uh-huh, we are. Of course, there's many monsters still to go. But, you know, these ones are a bit more, like, directly about what they're kind of talking about. Unless we're Christian. Because the Christians always fucking make it metaphysical. 

F: Gotta make it about themselves. 

S: The internal and about sin and about morality and all of this fucking crap. So what is it? Can you... 

F: Hmm, shall I guess? 

S: It's not a guessing show, Frankie. It's about sea monsters. 

F: Sea, wait, sea, I thought any, we were doing just water monsters. Yeah, yeah. Fresh water as well. Okay, fresh and salt water monsters. 

S: Just water-based monsters, you know? I was about to be like, oh, mine's only fresh water. Hydro, hydro monsters. 

F: Okay, do you want me to get all Latin up in this bitch? Like, calm down. Right. Water monsters. I feel like we're going to talk an unnecessarily large amount about horses. Every society's got, like, a water horse. Why? Horses are not great swimmers. 

S: Really? I didn't get that many horses, so I guess you'll be taking on the horses. 

F: What are you talking about? Fucking Kelpies. Water horses. Fucking Greeks. Like Poseidon, you know what he created? Horses. You know who he's the god of? Water. Why? Fucking everybody. 

S: Wait, so he made normal horses or did he make seahorses? 

F: No, he made normal horses, and I also assume seahorses. This is what I'm saying, is that there's a weird connection between horses and water. There's, like, so many Western ancient civilizations that have connected water and horses. Like, so many of them. I don't know why. So, I guess we won't get to the bottom of that mystery. 

S: In Lord of the Rings, you know, she makes the river... What's her name? 

F: Uh... Arwen. Don't pretend like you don't know her name. What's her name? I did have a poster of her and have a sexual awakening to her little elf ears. 

S: I did have a sexual awakening to those elf ears, but we didn't get posters and shit. 

F: Oh, sorry. Sorry. Oh, my God. Totally showing my privilege. I mean, I also didn't have a poster, but... Whatever. That's just normal poor. That had nothing to do with the third world. Anyways, right. We're getting sidetracked. We're talking about water beasts, water horses. We'll put to the side for now. Maybe we'll come back to that one day. 

S: But yeah, so like water beasts, you know, unlike vampires are like an actual expression of our relationship with kind of nature and like the unruly parts of nature, the good parts of nature, you know, they can be the kind of nourishing, life-giving parts of nature. But mostly it's about like Fear of shipwreck, fear of floods, fear of the great unknown, kind of the unpredictability of water, drowning.

F: And drowning. 

S: Yeah, yeah, absolutely. All of those things. Unless, again, you're the fucking Catholic Church and then it's about, it's an allegory, the ocean is the soul and, you know, sin and all of that shit. 

F: Boring.

S: I know, I know. Fucking why are they like this? 

F: I don't know, dude. I mean, famously, like... If you're deeply religious, you got a hard time making shit up. You know what I mean? Somebody's got to tell you something. 

S: Yeah, that's true. You just fucking listen to whatever you're fucking told. But yeah, like in the Mediterranean, kind of the inland Mediterranean, you know, they had a Leviathan and they just kind of like feared the sea. But like the Phoenicians and the Greeks who actually had to like wanted to go out to sea and were seafaring people. it kind of becomes more, I guess, descriptive, you know? Like in Odysseus, you know, there's the Scylla, which is a six-headed dog woman, which I tried to fucking imagine. 

F: Masturbate to, and you couldn't quite get there. 

S:Couldn't quite get there. Couldn't fucking imagine it well. And then like Charybdis, which is a whirlpool. 

F: Charybdis, that's what it's called. 

S: Charybdis. A whirlpool that kind of... only opens up three times a day and apparently only 

F: three times a day i thought you'd be like only three times a century three times a day is pretty regular yeah 

S: it's pretty regular and it sucks the whole ship down you know like it swallows ships whole but uh it said that like these are the actual treacherous waters of sicily you know and it's more informative than just like kind of a fear of anything. Just remember, you know, when you're sailing down the coast that there's, I don't know, treacherous waters here that there's and kind of so Odysseus sacrifices some of his men so that they don't get sucked in. And so another kind of wisdom would be like, it's better to lose some of your men than all of your boat, which is 

F: what I'm hearing is men are replaceable 

S: yeah but don't lose your cargo you know that's that's important valuable stuff it's money stuff but yeah and that's kind of like just an example to sort of like set out the relationship with water and how people actually made myths and folklore according to their relationship you know and it kind of like changes accordingly so like you know in hercules he goes and he meets the Hydra, which is another water based monster, but that's in the marshlands and the wetlands, you know, and again, it's an informative kind of story about how to tame or like control unruly marshes and water and it like has to do with you know like like cauterizing the wound it has to do with stopping the water flow to somewhere because like whenever you cut off a head and like others spring there spring up in in its place so it's basically in a marshland you can never actually control what's happening there until you drain it and until you're able to like kind of stop the flow of water. So it's, you know, the Greeks wanted to dominate the land that they were on. Because you never get, like, oh, this is a monster in a meadow, you know? It's kind of rare because you can control the meadow. 

F: You can control the meadow. Also, I believe in that story because this is Hercules and his, like, trials and shit that he was set to do, more or less, by the goddess Hera. This is one of the many times that she likes to just... tweak the nipples of, of the challenge that she set for him. And she just sends like a giant crab. She's like, I know he's got to fight the Hydra, but crabs. Um, and so he's also got to like fight a giant crab at the same time. And then he kills it and it gets placed in the heavens as the constellation cancer. So there you go. A little daily astrology for you for cancers listening. It's going to be a crabby day. You're going to get an STD. Thank you for listening.

S: Crabs. 

F: Crabs. Yeah, I like that. The sense of like the cauterizing, the cutting off of the flow. That makes sense. It's good imagery. 

S: How about like kind of, you know, the most famous water creatures or water monsters? Why would you say that? 

F: Maybe it's because at the moment for one of my jobs, I'm writing a Norse mythology series. So one of the ones that plays large in my mind is the world serpent that like... He's so large that he goes all the way around the world and bites his own tongue and is prophesied that at... Oh, bites his own tail, not his own tongue. So he's an Ouroboros, and then at the end of the world at Ragnarok, he's going to fight Thor. Well, he's going to fight Thor, and they're both going to die, is what it's prophesied. So that's a big one. I feel like... 

S: You know, the Norse really just keep like putting off doing all these things until Ragnarok. Right, they're like, 

F: Ragnarok's coming. I'll do shit then.

S: Big wolf just fucking tie it up and put it away. We'll deal with it. We'll deal with it later. Not my problem right now. 

F: Yeah, 100%. They're like, there's a due date and I'm going to wait to the last minute to deal with these monsters. But I feel like so many sea monsters are like visually in popular culture are that, are like a giant serpent. Another like, and you know, you rarely see, there are some sea serpents. But because they're so cold blooded, most of the time snakes and serpents don't go in the water. That is not their vibe. They like hat. So I find that interesting as well as that. Again, another animal that's associated with water and the dangers of the water are ones that you don't necessarily find there.

S: Yeah, that's interesting. Why do you think that is?

F: Girl, I don't know. Because ancient peoples were high on mushrooms all the time. I don't know. 

S: Yeah, sure. That's a good one. Another one would be like a more benevolent kind of version of that would be like Chinese long. That's what it's called.

F: Yes, I always think of the Chinese long.

S: Long. So it's a water dragon.

F: Are they bad or good? 

S: They're good. They're not hurtful. 

F: Jesus Christ. You're right. 

S: Anyway, so it's it's basically it's about like the chaos of the water cycle and how to control it. Right. And they're not really harmful creatures, but you they have a connection to the emperor and the emperor needs to sacrifice and respect them. And that way the floods and the rains will be kind of predictable. Yeah. And there won't be a drought. and there won't be a flood so they're just a connection to the ruler basically and the ruler's attitude towards nature and if the ruler respects and reveres nature then you know nature will be kind or you know non-hurtful um to them but kind of that's about it for serpents um that that i've seen um in in uh in water monsters um how about mermaids like 

F: oh i call mermaids sea sluts sea 

S: sluts yeah yeah that's it's it's interesting you know uh because they come from sirens right which used to be portrayed again like pre-Victorian, pre kind of prudish. They used to be just like ugly ass kind of creatures that, you know, they could look like a seal. They could look like a walrus. They could look like a deformed kind of. And then suddenly with, again, this Puritan sex sphere, they suddenly became these like half actual woman, half a, 

F: Big owld biddies, though. 

S: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Showing off their tatas you know just breasts out in the open but so what do you think what do you think mermaids symbolize like and sirens mermaids and sirens like what do they do

F: Well, they sit on the rocks and they go, Wee-oh, wee-oh, wee-oh. 

S: That's the siren. That's the siren. 

F: Yeah, that's what they do. They do. And it lures men to their death. But I think it's the, like, there's... Every time women are brought up, fucking women, it's about the, like, the seduction of something. Men, sailors are going to be seduced into... their doom via something like that. But didn't they originally come from like, you know, hard up sailors seeing dolphins and shit and being like in the water and being like, is that a lady? 

S: Yeah. Like that's a theory, but what they've become kind of is a symbol of like the society that they live in. So what do sirens or mermaids interrupt? What are men doing when they're interrupted? 

F: Trade, adventure, sailing, drinking rum. 

S: I guess, yes, but all of these things are considered work. Oh. Right? So it's the interruption of labor through distraction and lust. Right? 

F: Get back to work, bitches.

S: Exactly. Literally that. It's like, shut the fuck up. Stop fantasizing about fucking... and get back to goddamn work motherfuckers 

F: wow women always distracting people from labor the ultimate weapon against the proletariat titties

S: fucking titties that's what is ruining us But yeah, like this women theme comes up a lot in many kind of different renditions in different societies. And it's women and water are kind of like a really big association. 

F: the sea she is a woman. 

S: So what do you think the mermaid or siren version is in Russia? 

F: Just a mouth with teeth and below it a vagina, untrimmed.

S: Yeah. Cool. I know. So they're called Rusalka. They're pretty far off. They're called Rusalka. And they're usually like maidens that have drowned. It's usually suicide. And it's like mostly because of courtship. So like someone was married off to someone else and then they killed themselves and then they live in the water and they will kind of, you know, drown men whenever they can. 

F: Oh, I like them.

S: Yeah, I like them too. And I guess this is like a fear of, you know, a woman's wrath. 

F: Yeah, it should be feared. 

S: yeah it's like don't betray women they'll come back and fucking seek their revenge you'll make a spirit of the water that is going to you know kill other men be careful with the hearts you break you cool guy

F: I think that's a Michael Jackson song I believe

S: but yeah and another Russian one, since we're on the Russian one, we'll get back to the women fucking soon enough. Yeah, yeah. But they have a thing called the Vatnoy. And it's usually a man and he's in the river. And yeah, it's like... floods and and you know children it kills children like um on riverbanks and stuff so that's kind of a straightforward don't let the children go next to the river and yeah

F: i feel like there's a lot of those 

S: yeah the river that gives us you know um life and the ability to grow food is also a treacherous kind of non-conforming yeah non-tamable fucking part of nature but anyway to get back to women and sirens so um i'm sure you know being in Scotland about selkies 

F: oh yeah i know all about those bitches 

S: so what are selkies Frankie

F: selkies are they're not always women but a lot of a lot of the stories do involve them being women but they are seal people so they're people who can be both seal and human and when they want to go from being a seal to being a human they come up on land and they remove their silky uh coat their selkie their seal skin coat and then if you want to capture a selkie and make them your, you know, bound prisoner sex slave spouse, you just steal their coat and you hide it or whatever. So there's lots of stories about, like, obviously classic, a man stealing a selkie lady's coat and then forcing her to be his wife. And then she, like, bears children for him, she can't find her coat, and then does, or one of her children finds her coat. And then she just takes it and goes back to the sea. And it's supposed to be this, like, sometimes you get the story where it's, like, quite an obvious allegory for, like, domestic abuse. Sometimes you get it as being, like, this warning about, like, you know, women that abandon their families or commit suicide or, like, you know, they were selkies, they weren't here. You know, it's, like, very much in that vibe. But you also get. There's a story about somebody who was a seal clubber. It was his job. He would club baby seals and skin them and sell their very valuable pelts. And he gets a chance to redeem himself to the Selkie community when he is brought down to the bottom of the ocean and is asked to heal um the king of the selkies and then he's like rewarded and stuff like that so it can kind of go both ways 

S: yeah you kind of like touched on most of those points um so let's say it's like suicide or abandonment, but since it's an island and island people have quite a big relationship with the sea, there's also about seafaring life, like leaving your family to go somewhere and living apart as a family. That's also, I think, a big part of it because the Selkies eventually leave. and break up the family so it's it's kind of a double-edged sword there isn't that much fear of the sea as much of a pull uh that yeah that people have to go actually you know onto into the waters 

F: You know what? There is a mer person. There are mer people in Scotland as well that actually do create fear. Again, it's a fear of like bad seamanship of the ocean, of not being a very good sailor, but also that, again, that returning to that idea that you have to respect the ocean. There's an area called the Minch, which is a strait of water between some of the islands here in Scotland. And there are the Blue Men of the Minch. And they are blue, as the name says. And they sometimes will swim with like just their top part out of the water, which I think is super funny. Just like the torso out of the water. But what they do is basically they're you know, sea fairies. And if a captain... sort of sails through the minch and comes across one, the blue man will recite two lines, a couplet of poetry, and the captain has to respond in poetry as well. And if he doesn't, the blue man of the minch is going to sink his shit. But if he does, then he gets to go through safely. What I quite like about that is these chaotic... sea monsters have a real appreciation for the literary arts. And that's just their vibe.

S: Okay, so what are Nagas? 

F: Oh, aren't they? They're like serpent people, maybe. Is that Japan as well? 

S: No, that's Southeast Asia. 

F: Yeah, they're like watery sea snake people. I'm going to be honest right now. My imagery of them is coming from World of Warcraft. 

S: Same. Okay, great. Same. That's how I imagine them also. But yeah, it's basically kind of like serpentine women. 

F: Hot.

S: Yeah, I guess so. But they're always linked to power. Again, it seems like the Chinese dragon, they are linked to the king. And if the king is good to them, they control the monsoon and they control the waters. You know, there's a legend that they had sheltered the Buddha at some point during a flood and that they guard temple pools so they're usually in temple pools and they create dynasties so basically they can choose who the king is going to be and they choose that by giving the king kind of power and dominion over water and monsoons and still water and rivers 

F: Wow, that's cool. Women bestowing sovereignty. That's a motif we'll see again and again. 

S: Yeah, and there are just like a lot of these kind of sea creatures usually women linked with uh power and you know making dynasties giving uh giving people power in a way and like in you know the Maori have the tariuha And again, they're protectors of water, of rivers, of stuff like that. And they are kind of geographic. So it's depending on the people who are part of that community. geographical place you know they uh depends on like that tribe and your lineage in that tribe and how much respect that tribe has given to water and nature um that they protect and you know help you out and nowadays it's become part of you know political debates about dams and highways You know, so if like you want to you want to build a dam here, like, no, you can't because of these water creatures that are there that protect us. And they kind of have become a symbol of like indigenous authority over the water or like indigenous because they don't claim to own it. Unlike the whites, the Hawaiians have like Mo’o, it's like M-O apostrophe O. And it's in Hawaii, again, another island peoples. And they have giant lizards or women who guard freshwater pools. And since it's, you know, Hawaii is kind of an island, so it's a closed kind of ecosystem. Freshwater is kind of a very scarce resource. Yeah. So... It's a way of kind of managing this limited resource and making sure that no one kind of defiles or desecrates it. So they're vengeful to someone who breaks decorum or breaks taboo by, you know, fucking with the water somehow and it's just a story so that kids and everyone in the society know to preserve this water and to be respectful towards it. 

F: I wonder if there's also a connection because there are so many female-presenting water beasts. And the connection between the tides and the moon. And women in the moon. If there's some... You know what I mean? Some trifecta there of... motif that keeps coming up again and again and again in society because we've noticed like, oh, they're these, you know, women have a connection to the moon and water has a direct connection to the moon. So women and water must have a connection as well. I don't know. It was just sort of a idle musing based on what you'd said. about that trifecta there of women, water, and the moon.

S: Yeah, I definitely see that as a thing. I think water and women are very kind of throughout, you know, time and different societies have been linked somehow. 

F: Because we're wet. Because we're like so wet. Women are like wet. 

S: But yeah, but also most societies have this fear of like the dark depths and the unknown, you 

know, where it comes in a krakans. 

F: And Jaws, the hit film, first blockbuster ever. Jaws, that is a perfect one. 

S: Definitely, yeah. But also Jaws brings up some like modern anxieties and modern kind of things that you're afraid of. Because, you know, everyone knew that there was a shark, but they didn't want to do anything because it was tourist season. 

F: Yeah, because it interrupts with commerce and money.

S: Yeah, making money. 

F: And I think it was, what was it, late 70s that the film came out? 

S: No, I think it was later than that

F: No, no, it wasn't. It was the 70s for sure. It might have been mid 70s, but I'm pretty sure mid late 70s, mid 70s. So it's that time period. The 70s is a time period where we're going from the idealism of the 1960s and and the real motive for change in America. You get all of these different ideas. social movements happening at the same time. Women's lib, gay lib, the civil rights movement, the anti-war movement, the hippie counterculture. You get all of these things sort of happening at the exact same time. And then that sort of peters out as you get into the 70s. What you end up with is an economic drop. The end of the post-war boom period officially ends. Like, all of that good stuff is over with. You get an energy crisis because the U.S. refuses to stop backing Israel. Mm-hmm. So then you get an energy crisis in the US because they're not getting any oil anymore. You get New York City has to be bailed out. Like that is something that never happened before. So in the 60s, you start to get all of these economic worries that start bubbling up that are eventually going to lead us into the 80s, into Reaganism and into the new, really a new wave in American culture. Yeah. So those worries of disruption of commerce and that being the thing that is going to take over our belief system over the very, like, 60s belief that human beings deserve to be saved over money. And you see that, like, those two ideas directly in conflict in the film as you get the argument between, you know, the sheriff and the mayor of the town. Should we keep it open or should we not? And then... 

S: yeah well it's like close it is is what what should have been what should they keep it yeah but they keep it open and this like you know creature from the depths it's also prehistoric you know this like big shark from the depths comes out and like it disrupts this town's money and of course, there's no one to blame with their economic policies. It's just a creature that bubbles up from the depths and kind of stops everything. How about like another modern day example of like Nessie? 

F: Oh, yeah. Nessie, though, there's, like, Nessie is one of those things where, like, there isn't a lot of fear around the Loch Ness monster. It's all this, like, hype of, like, is it really there or not? But I guess it is tied to, like, have you ever been to Loch Ness? No, I haven't. It's the water is so filled with sediment that it is dark. Like you have not seen a lake this dark. The waters are nearly black. They're so dark and it's long and it's deep. So it does, from its very appearance, and it's all surrounded by these forested hills in the highlands, you really get this sense from just the way that it looks that there's something sinister or dark under there. What is it hiding under the surface? 

S: Right. And then what happened? You know, people thought that there was this sinister, dark thing because we do fear the unknown and we fear water and things that we can't see or recognize. So what did people do? You know, like they tried to test it with sonar and then they tried to do DNA tests. They tried to take pictures of it. So this is kind of like the clash of the... ancient fear with kind of new technology like can't we in this age of enlightenment be able to you know make an educated kind of like find out discovery of like is it true or not and you know there isn't that much fear that more like a fascination it's like there's nessy hunters so this comes into this kind of like touristy 

F: oh it's a tourist trap 

S: commercialized kind of thing and so so it's happening on two levels there's a there's a fascination and a commodification of Nessie but at the same time there's this clash of this old ancient unknown with new technologies and and the ability to like understand and control and discover these um these you know ancient secrets um 

F: yeah i wonder if there's something there as well like if i'm sure there are plenty of other examples of folklore of cryptids of things of that nature that I mean like like Sasquatch to a lesser extent that then get co-opted and commodified to be sold like they they package up our fears and they sell them back to us a perfect example of that is the horror film industry like some of the first when we invented filmmaking some of the first films that we made were horror films as well like it was such an effective way of of commodifying and creating art, though, at the same time, about our fears. But I say the horror film industry because horror films are so likely to be franchised. So much more likely to be franchised than any other genre. And that is... Sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes it's more about making money off of our fears than it is about exploring them in a new and different way. You know what I mean? 

S: Yeah. And I think in the same kind of vein as like throwing it back to the like vampires before of like this came from something that was supposed to, you know, make children afraid of you know going to the banks of the river or something like that something kind of practical and made to actually instill fear to become something like pleasurable and sought after so again this kind of commodification and this trivialization of these things and removing the actual kind of point of making people afraid now fear is just like an entertainment purpose almost which It's kind of it's kind of screwed up. But also a lot of these a lot of the talk of like this kind of liminal, like between the water and the land. Whenever I read about these creatures, there's always like a sexual aspect to them. And there's always this like kind of arousal at the unknown. And I just don't get it. I don't like go, oh, this is a really dark lake. This makes me feel horny. Like I don't understand. 

F: you don't get that 

S: no i don't understand the actual link and i guess it's like again comes back to the vampires of like taboo and stuff or like something that's stronger than you a connection with nature and water but i don't really understand the sexual aspect of 

F: I think it's more about water than is necessarily about fear as a whole. Because like we said. We connect water to women. So often. I think that's where the key connection is. Is that anything. That most things. That are demonized. They use the. visual of a woman. It's that there is a draw to it, whether it is like there's an undeniable draw and that's where like the sexual part comes in. But you also can't deny that people have this draw to water, to the ocean, to the sea, to rivers, to bodies of water. People are drawn to them for more than just a survival, you know, you're drawn to water because you need to drink water. There's also this sense of like fascination that comes with water because it's, particularly the ocean, because it cannot, because of the unknown, because it can't be known, and women are seen to be the same way. There's no way to know the true depths of a woman. You know what I mean? 

S: Yeah. 

F: There's no way to know the true depths of this woman, honey. 

S: How deep do you go? 

F: How deep is your love?

S: But yeah, I get the fascination with the sea and the ocean. I think I struggle with understanding the sexual aspect of it. 

F: You've never wanted to fuck the ocean?

S: I've never wanted to fuck the ocean for some reason. 

F: Go put your dick in the water and then you tell me how you feel. 

S: Maybe there's something wrong with me. 

F: you're yeah maybe there is you're a water sexual 

S: I'm a water sexual but you know it like it just it's bad lubrication you know no one wants water 

F: Unless you're fucking water then you don't need any lubrication see this is where you're not getting it

S: I've never thought of it like that i think i'm gonna try i'm gonna try some new things uh-huh

F: In Germany that water's gonna be cold 

S: Yeah, fuck that. 

F: When you go out and fuck the Danube?

S: But yeah, that's kind of what I have for, like, water monsters, you know? It's broad themes of, like, safety and water as, like, a life-giving element that needs to be respected and revered. Yeah. But also, like, a fear of the unknown and a sexual appeal. 

F: Sexy. Well, even stories of Kelpies have, like, a weird... sexual part to them where they'll be like a kelpie comes out of the water and it takes it it's a water spirit water demon water fairy that takes the form of a horse so what i was talking about before the fuck takes form of a horse that is so beautiful you have to ride it and then it takes you into the water and yeah and it drowns you like it takes you into the depths and you like can't get off and it drowns you but you're like who's trying to be fucking horses? You know what I mean? But it's always part of the story is that it's just so something about that horse. I just gotta ride it. And shout out to my Aunt Dory who's probably listening who's a horse girl. Maybe you can explain to us. What the sexual draw of riding a beautiful horse is. I don't know. 

S: I've never felt that draw, you know? 

F: I've never felt the draw either. I think horses are... We're going to lose listeners, mainly Dory, because I'm about to give a view on horses. I just don't get them. um i feel like they're always like two two seconds away from like pure madness like they're an animal that we've domesticated that feels like we haven't domesticated right like they're all insane um 

S: yeah and they're and they're pompous little bitches you know like i'm i'm on team donkeys you know

F: oh yeah you are i mean donkeys are great nobody can argue that Right, so in Japan, island nation made up of lots of many islands, it's an archipelago. On a beach, one of many beaches, an old woman walks. She's leading her ox. Along the beach because they want to go as you do as you do to go inland to some good fertile You know grasslands, but they've got to walk across the beach and they're taking a really long time to get across this beach and something comes out of the water and grabs the tail of her ox and tries to pull it she feels the ox kind of trying to freak out and getting dragged towards the shore and she's like oh my god and she goes around the back of the ox to see this creature pulling at its tail trying to pull the ox into the water now this creature is small it's about the size of a child It's got a bald patch on the top of its head with an indentation like a bowl that's filled with water. The rest of its head, all the way around, does have black stringy hair. And the bald patch, think an old school monk. It's got a carapace like a turtle. webbed hands and feet, and it's slimy and stinky and scaly. This is a Kappa. And this kappa is trying to pull her ox into the water. Now, the way this old woman, she knows, she done lived her life, she knows how to defeat a kappa. Now, one way to defeat it is to beat it in sumo wrestling.

S: Beat the shit out of it.

F: Beat the shit out of it. Oh, sumo wrestling. Beat it in sumo wrestling. They love sumo wrestling. But she's an old woman. She's not going to beat it in sumo wrestling. But she knows that in order to diminish its power, she has to trick it into doing something that will take some of the water out of its bowl-like indentation on the top of its head. So she runs around to the back of the ox and bows as deeply as she can to the kappa. All the way down. Her nose is basically touching the sand. She's been doing her yoga. She bows down. And the kappa cannot resist. He has to bow back. And he bows and he has to bow deeper than her. And he bows and bows and bows until his head is completely upside down. All the water comes out of his... bowl on the top of his head. Bowlic indentation. And he suddenly has no power to pull the ox. And the grandmother knows that it's a kappa and says, I've defeated you. Cannot take my ox. What do you think you're doing? Back up, bruh. And the Kappa does not kick it in the balls. I don't know if they have balls, honestly. Now the Kappa reveals to her that the reason why he was trying to steal her ox is to take a very important organ out of the ox. And he needs this organ, this internal organ, for a festival that's happening. He needs to present it as part of the festival. That needs to be his offering, but he doesn't have one. As a kappa, he doesn't have this organ. Now, this organ... It translates to wee ball in soul ball in the buttocks. It's basically a fictional organ. So don't, you know, I know you after this, you're going to go, go looking for it. It doesn't exist. Okay. Don't look. 

S: Maybe it's a prostate. 

F: No, it's not because women have it too. It's a different thing. All right. So it's a ball inside the anus, a ball-like organ, and it's supposed to hold the soul. And kappas, being water demons, they don't have one. So all other living things do, such as human beings and oxen. So he said he was going to take that. That's why he was trying to take her ox. However, because she's caught him and she's defeated him... he has to offer her something in return and he offers her the recipe to the kappa medicine and this medicine is like a heal all and it's a mysterious recipe that only they know about so she gets the recipe she's defeated the kappa her ox has a fully equipped anus Hooray. Good for her. So Kappas are, I think, I mean, like they're the wildest. That alone is a crazy story. For folklore. That's a bizarre creature, right? So one of the reasons they think that there was all this mythology around the butt soul ball is because when somebody drowns, they're due to the water and the muscles and their sphincter, their anus grows kind of and expands like somebody has gone in there, fisted, and pulled something out. And so people were noticing when somebody drowned. They were like, oh, Kappa got him. Kappa reached up their butt, whooped his sole butt ball out. They also love cucumbers. It's their favorite food. Absolute favorite. So there's a bit of like a harvest practice going on. Like the first cucumber you would offer to the Kappas is, 

S: Do they not put it in people's butts? 

F: They don't. They don't put it in people's butts. They don't. They just use their long fingers. Snatch. Snatch the butt ball out. 

S: I thought that was why the cucumber. 

F: No, they just love cucumbers. It's totally unrelated. Like a butt plug. I know. I know. I assumed that as well, but it's not a butt plug related. They just love to eat them. Fair enough. There are many myths around them, you know, like eating children, drowning children, eating people, the usual stuff that you kind of get with monsters. But I think the interesting thing is, one, how imaginative they are. Also, their enemies are apes. Apes are their enemy, and apes can defeat them. So there's some stories about, like, kappas, you know, running wild, and then, like, the leader of the village or, like, the king or whatever will call the apes, and the apes will just go in and, like, beat up the kappas. Cool. Pop-off queens. Love that. They're just, I think... You just don't get something like it. You know what I mean? Like blue men of the minch. They're just poetry obsessed mermaids. You know what I mean? Like we've seen it before. Sea serpents of every kind. Kappas are different. They're unique. 

S: But also, like, I find it really interesting that they're compelled to bow. 

F: Yes. Still honor-based.

S: Honor-based and also kind of like, kind of respect, you know, because I think that that's a very big part of like kind of Japanese culture of etiquette, respect, all of that. And so if you're respectful to everyone, even to a kappa, then you can defeat them.

F: Or you get you get things like there's so many different stories of of somebody, you know, they're also one of their weaknesses is that they're like arms are connected. So if you if they grab you by the arm and you pull their arm, you can just pull both arms completely out through the torso. Wow. and then they'll be like please can I have my arm back and if you give them the arm back then they will like you know help out in the fields they'll do things for you they like there's this back and forth of like if you help them out they'll help you out

S: yeah it's like you know instilling kind of respect 

F: respect your monsters

S: respect everything and then you know Japan shall... You don't get your... Reward you.

F: Your butt organ removed. If you respect the water. To keep your soul in. I can't remember what it's called in Japanese, but I probably would have butchered it. I apologize for not having the word written down. But it literally translates to like wee ball, wee bum ball or something like that. 

S: Wee bum ball. I like it. Yeah. 

F: So everybody make sure your... Anus, soul, organ is still intact. 

S: Do your yoga so you can bow low enough. 

F: Oh, another thing about them, I did mention it briefly, but they are very stinky, super stinky, which…

S: No one likes it, you know, they're childlike, so of course they're stinky. 

F: Yeah, children are disgusting, bro. right i don't know what we're um only releasing which i'm sure you've probably realized now we're only releasing two episodes a month because this is unpaid labor and i'm tired so releasing one a month was just a bit intense for us um if you're on the like podcast payment plan and $4 a month for two episodes seems a little steep to you, get in touch and we can talk about it. But also, it's $4. Don't be stingy. What can $4 even buy you in America anymore? Nothing. Half a candy bar. Yeah. Otherwise... Get in touch if you have other monsters you think we should cover. If you'd like to obviously buy some of our wares and our goods. If you've lost your anus soul organ, I think maybe get in touch. We have some questions for you. 

S: But yeah, we're still brainstorming what kind of monsters and creatures to cover for next month. So suggestions are welcome. 

F: We might ignore them. 

S: We might, but we're continuing this series of like... trying to look at our society through the monsters that we imagine and what are our fears, what are the things that we are fascinated by, what are we attracted to, and that seems to always be the monsters that we create. 

F: I think we're, based on this episode, I think we're attracted to women and we're afraid of getting fisted in the butt. 

S: well yeah maybe fisted you know if a kappa just like puts a finger in there it'll be fine 

F: no no I think they gotta get a whole hand in there 

S: full hand in there that's kind of scary 

F: it is scary 

S: also no one wants a prolapsed anus 

F: no they don't and on that note I think we shall say goodnight goodbye 

S: goodnight